When I was a teen I had a best friend. Unfortunately I didn’t meet her – or rather, she and I weren’t prepared to be friends (truthfully she belonged to a bunch of snobby girls who would turn on each other for the least little infraction…sorta like watching those mean girl movies as of late). I don’t even know how she ended up circling closer to me. One summer I stayed home from the family trip (which was a real coup) and despite all warnings, boundaries, et cetera, threw a party. It was a small quiet affair that lasted three days in a row. All thirty-six hours. I would guess that she and her kind were cruising parties and found mine…and somehow, something happened between her and the rival “lead” for that group. She ended up staying, and we became fast friends – something that was different for me.
She was everything that I wanted to be, so there was a bit of an awed envy going on my part. She was popular, she was witty, she was exotic looking, she was foreign and clever. More, she was outgoing, very extraverted. And she loved to talk about things – it didn’t matter what, if it was deep, she never let the discussion last very long, but she would banter. She was fun and I think that the only reason I can look back on any of my teenage years with a little smile on my face is because of her.
We both made choices in our lives…and she basically progressed faster in areas that because of my darned fears, couldn’t quite follow. I think that might have puzzled her some, and at the time I didn’t allow my fears to be known. I covered everything with disdain or sarcasm (yeah, I know, a teenager, LOL). Eventually our decisions stressed the relationship – not in spats or ill feelings, but in experiences that just couldn’t be shared or appreciated. Her boyfriends were always part of the group we had eclectically surrounded ourselves with. I ended up with someone decidedly older and outside the group for a period of time…and it was a controlling and abusive relationship…the kind that when love is new you want to solely be with that person, and then when you are solely with that person you discover that it isn’t your choice any longer to be alone with them. In effect, you are cut off.
For a brief amount of time I reconnected with my best friend. By then many other things had happened with her. She wasn’t happy, and I think was beginning to struggle with how she (who always saw herself as strong) could have been duped into having a relationship that it was not healthy. I don’t believe there was physical abuse, but I think that there was something weird going on. She couldn’t, all of a sudden, let this particular guy go…and he was…well…you know how people are talking trash about Brittany Spears husband? (Can’t recall name) It was pretty much like that. He was from outside the group, so all I’ve gathered is from instinct or rumor. She was angry at me, not realizing she was pretty close to making the same choices. But we tried to be friends, around what little time we could come up with. In fact, she was the one that introduced me to my now husband…he was asking her about me, and she wanted me to go on a date with someone that wasn’t a total creep (ex). When Franklin and I decided to go out on a second date, however, she became a bit irked and that pretty much was the last time we ever saw/spoke to one another. Her complaint was she just wanted me to have fun. Looking back, I think she was afraid that I would do a repeat of “withdrawing with boyfriend” which, I suspect, she would have been right about eventually.
Probably 6 years ago I ran into a mutual friend of ours while coming out of the grocery store. He was in town visiting family and was running an errand for his mother. Honestly, I think I’ve only run into people from my highschool twice (and neither time was the person my friend…just recognized them from the halls) since graduating…which is pretty sad because I live in the same town. Anyway, he told me that my friend and her boyfriend ping pong’d for quite a time after I dropped out of the picture. She then moved to New York (a dream that she and I were going to do together once upon a time) and was (or had) continued schooling (college and beauty school). And before leaving he mentioned that she was a mom now of a beautiful baby girl named Chloe. Neither he nor I offered our phone numbers for exchange. Truthfully I don’t think he was interested, or at least was too distracted to think. I myself, was embarrassed and didn’t want to get my friend’s contact information and having had nothing more in my life than when she left it. No schooling, no accomplishments, not even a new address, really.
Still, I think of her often, and I hope she’s doing well. I wonder how much, personality wise, she has changed…if she and I would recognize each other in that way anymore. She had changed so much during that first summer…surely after all these years hoping to instantly find that friendship again, and long distance at that, would have been a bit of a stretch to hope for. But, as I said, I think of her often, trying to imagine how old her daughter would be, wondering if she’s happy, if she’s safe. In my heart I love her still.
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