I just feel like talking a bit...more or less just putting things out there so that I have to see them face to face.
I feel disconnected in a way that I haven't for a very long time. I feel disconnected from just about everything and everybody. I know people care, but I just feel as if the relationships aren't as deep as they should be, or could be or whatever. And it's me. Actually, right now should be a really really good time. Home school is going along swimmingly - and my big personal kudo in that department is that I haven't defined "swimmingly" this year as everything having gone according to my predetermined, pre-written plan. Does that make me feel relaxed? Sometimes...but I still would like to be on target with some of the activities I had hoped we would do. And we have a terrific sized home school group with a great mixture of boys and girls within my own children's age range. The mom's are all so unique and different from one another...it's testing me a bit because it's changing from last year...but I can say that there isn't a one of them that I think I couldn't be friends with over time. And that's a little off putting for me sometimes (those of you who know me might clue in here with my social anxieties).
The kids are all doing well, considering the health issues. Franklin is safe and still enjoying his job. I don't know what it is...but this last round of holiday's for me (all involving introspection and preparedness) has really pulled some things to the forefront of my mind. I'm going to write some tomorrow night (this is the piece I referenced last post). Tomorrow evening the kids and Franklin will be gone and it's my best chance for a long uninterrupted evening with Franklin's computer.
Speaking of computers - my absence from the internet scene is part of why I'm feeling so disconnected. Truth be told, I'm lousy lousy at keeping up really. I don't think I started out this way...but the more I reached out, the more people reached back...and that was overwhelming (in a good way)...and so when I had to loose the computer (still not fixed) I honestly felt that I had in effect tossed relationships. Now, it wasn't my choosing - and I know that the majority understands long down times, life hurdles and unruly computers...but still, the little voice in my head says that I've done something.
And, I guess that's where I am...that chemical reaction or physical manifestation that happens when you've done something wrong and are waiting for the boom...it's like that feeling is a constant with me right now. And the desire to avoid, obviously, is strong. Sometimes I think if a boom did lower on me it would relieve me of this feeling. But there isn't a boom to drop, so the feeling and emotional state remains. Now, tie that in to the holidays and their purpose...it makes quite an interesting study. Sometimes I wish our family observed these things with only the traditional man made do-dads, like eating certain foods, or tossing pebbles into water, etc. We purposely don't do those things because it distracts from what is supposed to be focused on. It's not a wonderful moment for me at the moment because of what I'm digging up in my heart. I don't recall ... do I react this way every year? I know that the last feast is coming up in a matter of days...and I do know that it is such a fun, releasing, bonding and uplifting holiday. I think when I do my typing of the fall feasts, I'll try to touch on that...that sorta misty connection I'm making at the moment.
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